Roundabout
by SilverMidnight52
Summary: Deeks and Nate have a conversation about Deeks past. Sequel to Learning the Nightmare. READ WARNINGS


Some readers asked me to write up what the conversation between Deeks and Nate would be like. This is it.

 **WARNINGS** : Deep themes of child abuse. Mental, physical, and sexual. This is not a happy story. Please don't read it if you're triggered by these themes.

If you want to be kept up to date with new redos on stories or want to know more about stories I'm going to be starting soon please follow me at Facebook under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

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Deeks twisted his hips throwing a fist into the punching bag. A grunt left his lips at the force. He wasn't the type of person that liked to fight, but at the moment he wanted nothing more than to have someone in front of him trying to hit him.

It wasn't often that he felt an anger so deep in his bones that it was almost too much to handle. For the most part he was able to push aside his emotions. It was one of the reasons that he was so good at his job.

Growling to himself the blond sent a kick at the bag. It swung on its chain and for a moment he was almost positive that it was going to fall down. When all the bag did was swing Deeks found that he was actually upset that he didn't cause a mess.

"Nice hit, Deeks," Nate spoke causing the detective to spin around.

The older man was leaning against the wall his arms crossed over his chest a smile playing on his lips. Deeks tried his hardest not to roll his eyes while he pulled off the wrappings on his hands. He might not want to stop beating the bag but he wasn't going to do it in front of the other man.

"What are you doing here, Doc?" Deeks questioned trying to keep his temper in check.

"The team wants to go out and Callen asked me to ask you if you wanted to go," the psychologist replied with a shrug, "Is everything alright? You sound a little off."

Scoffing at the man's words Deeks tried to take a few deep breaths. The last thing he wanted to do was have the older man start to worry about him. Nate was not the kind of person to let go of anything when he thought something was wrong.

So far he had done pretty well at avoiding the man. Something that Callen obviously wasn't alright with. That was the main reason Deeks was so angry. The older man wouldn't leave Deeks in peace since he found out the truth of his past.

He knew in the back of his mind that Callen was just trying to help, but he hated feeling like he was being pushed into something. It had been years since the abuse ended and he might not be fully okay but he wasn't as broken as Callen thought.

Still, Nate was right in front of him and Callen wouldn't give up until they talked. Maybe it would be for the best to do so. At the very least he could play it off as a case he was working on for the LAPD. That way there was no repercussions for him.

"There's a case I'm looking at for the LAPD," Deeks lied wiping the sweat from his brow, "It's not a pleasant one."

"Do you want to talk about it? Maybe I could help," Nate offered a friendly smile on his lips.

"Yeah, that's actually a good idea, but can we do it somewhere else?"

"Sure, do you have a place in mind or do you just want to go to the beach or something?"

"That sounds good. Just let me get changed."

Deeks left the gym and changed into his street clothes. His heart pounded angrily in his chest as his mind spun. He needed to come up with a lie to convince Nate with. He couldn't risk the chance of the older man finding out the story was about him.

It was the last thing that the detective wanted to think about. If the truth got out then there was an almost certainty that he would be forced to turn in his badge and pass a medley of tests to get it back. Something he wasn't sure he'd be able to do.

No, the safest thing for him was to make sure no one else ever found out about his past. A dark chuckle left his lips as he thought. How had this even become his life? All he wanted to do was go back in time to when everything was simple.

He would be...No, he couldn't go down that road. He had to listen to Callen and Ray and leave his Daddy in his past. That was the last thing that he wanted to do. He wanted the peace and safety that came with being with his Daddy.

Shaking his head Deeks made his way back to Nate. Maybe Callen was right about talking to the psychologist. As much as he hated to admit it it was getting harder to deal with his thoughts. He was just so tired with everything that was going on in his world.

"Hey," Nate greeted looking up from his phone, "Are you ready?"

"Yeah," Deeks nodded before motioning towards the door.

The men began to walk out of the building and down the street. Neither of them said anything for the longest time waiting for Deeks to get the courage to speak. How he wished he hadn't been forced to have the damn conversation.

"It's a very disturbing case," Deeks finally said his voice lower than normal.

"What's it about?" Nate questioned curiously.

"Child abuse."

"Damn. Those are always hard. How old is the kid?"

"He's eleven now, but from what we can figure the abuse started as soon as he was born."

"That make things even worse. It's hard to recover psychologically when the abuse starts that young especially since it lasted for so long. Do you know the type of abuse?"

"There was a sexual tone to it. Apparently when he did something wrong he was punished physically."

"Damn."

The older man looked away from Deeks sadness clear in his eyes. Swallowing roughly Deeks found himself blinking back tears. It felt as if it was the first time that he had really had someone try to understand what he was saying.

After this conversation he knew that he wasn't going to feel as if he was just another victim. He'd still be Deeks whenever the doctor looked at him. Deeks had no idea how much he needed to know that things suddenly weren't going to change for him.

"Hows the child acting?" Nate asked with curious worry, "Are there any things that is worrying about the way he speaks or how he acts towards adults? Males in particular?"

"He doesn't act strangely around anyone. It's as if he… He only has eyes for his Daddy."

Blue eyes widened when he realized his mistake. He knew that it wouldn't take much for the other man to figure out what was going on. For a moment he held his breath waiting to be called out, but Nate simply kept walking lost in his thoughts.

"This isn't good," Nate shook his head, "It sounds as if the child has no idea that his abuse wasn't normal. That could lead to him either going back to his abuser or going to find another one. You'll have to keep a close eye on him to make sure that doesn't happen. Has he spoken of any specific instants of abuse?"

"A few," Deeks answered knowing he had finally gotten to the hard part, "They aren't pretty."

"I didn't think they would be. Can you tell me some of them? I might be able to tell you the best way to help him."

Taking a deep breath Deeks thought back to everything that had happened to him. There was story after story popping in his head so quickly he had a hard time focusing on one long enough. How was he supposed to decide what he told the doctor?

If he was going to be honest though he was having a difficult time trying to figure out what was normal and what only he thought was normal. If he said the wrong thing than all of his hard work would be thrown out the door.

"Deeks?" Nate asked placing a hand on the detective's shoulder, "You okay?"

"Yeah," Deeks answered before clearing his throat, "Sorry. The kid told a lot of things. Some of them were normal while the others were disturbing."

"Alright, I'm not really surprised by that. Abuse victims, especially that young, often times don't have the experience to know what should or shouldn't happen. If he's being this honest and forth coming there is a high chance that the abuser was so sure he'd never get caught that he didn't bother telling the child not to speak to authorities. Does he always call the man 'Daddy'?"

"Yes, he does. He repeats it often too. Almost whenever he says anything about his… Abuser."

The blond's eyes dropped to the ground when he said that. He wasn't lying when he told Callen that he had come to terms with being abused, but he still hated referring to his Daddy as his abuser. He loved the man too much to think of him in such a negative light.

"He repeats how much his Daddy loves him and how much he loves his Daddy," Deeks continued his mind getting lost in his thoughts.

"I'd be more surprised if he didn't," Nate sighed running a hand over his face, "The only way he knows love is from the man that molested and beat him. I'm sure that he hasn't just told you stories of abuse?"

"No, there were some that almost made it..."

"Sound sweet? That is one of the most dangerous things about childhood abuses. The child romanticizes the abuse. In the child's mind I'm sure he believes that his 'Daddy' loves him and I'm sure he genuinely is in love with his abuser."

Deeks heart clenched angrily in his chest. For the first time he didn't feel like a freak for feeling the way he did. It might be wrong at the end of the day, but Nate sounded so understanding that he couldn't help, but feel as if someone was actually listening.

The police had sent him to talk to a psychologist when they found him the first time. The doctor kept pushing and pushing until Deeks ended up crying. Looking back he felt as if the doctor thought that he was making up the abuse he went through.

Deeks stopped going to that doctor as soon as he could. He hated thinking that he had made up a story and ended up losing his Daddy because of that. He had to believe that there was a reason behind what he had done. He didn't want to think of the alternative.

After that Ray had convinced him to go talk to someone a few years later. It turned out even worse than the first time. And by worse he meant highly medicated. He was so doped up by the end of one of their sessions he didn't know which way was up.

It only took five sessions before the detective had had enough. If no one was going to actually attempt to help him than there was no point in trying. He'd deal with whatever it was that his mind ended up cooking up for him.

He still wasn't sure why he agreed to talk to Nate after all these years, but Callen looked so worried. Deeks had given in fairly easily and he was actually happy he did. He found the one psychologist that actually cared about whomever they were talking about.

"Do you..." Deeks started before taking a deep breath, "Do you think his 'Daddy' loved him? Or was it simply about abuse?"

"I can't actually answer that," Nate answered shaking his head, "We don't fully understand what makes someone become a pedophile. It's not something that many people are looking into. No one wants to put a child in that kind of danger or make a victim relive their abuse. The best we can do is try to attempt helping them through the abuse."

The blond's body was shaking as the words sunk in. He knew that it was a complicated situation, but hearing it from someone whose job it was to help victims like him made it more real. If Nate wasn't able to answer the questions than there was a good chance he never would.

"I don't think that part matters though," Nate continued after a beat, "As long as the person that was abused believes that they were loved that's all that matters. The child likely will never believe he wasn't loved even if he understands that he was abused."

"So, you're saying there's a large possibility that the kid is always going to be messed up? He can't be helped?" Deeks asked dread curling in his stomach.

"That's not what I'm saying at all. I'm saying that it's going to take a long time. Maybe even medication if he begins to have panic attacks or nightmares. I'm leave that for a last option though."

Nodding his head Deeks let himself take a deep breath. He had absolutely hated the idea of talking to someone again. Nate was a good guy though. He wasn't in it for the money. He actually cared. No matter how many times he repeated that he couldn't believe it.

"Tell me," Nate spoke breaking through his thoughts, "Did he ever sound afraid when ever he talked about the abuse?"

"He told me that the only time he felt afraid was when his 'Daddy' was drunk. Other than that he said that the beatings were for his won good. That he had to learn his place."

"Part of me doesn't want to know where he thought his places was."

"He said he belonged on his knees at his Daddy's feel being a good little boy."

"Okay, from what I can gather the news that something is wrong with his relationship with his 'Daddy' might end up being the thing that hurts him the most. I imagine he's been informed by now?"

"Yes."

"I wish I could have been there to help with that transition, but it's too late for that. How has he been since he was told?"

"He admits that he was abuse. He understands that what happened to him shouldn't have. He just… He loves his Daddy still."

"There's a strong likelihood that he always will. At this point in time it might be for the best if he's taught to live with the emotions he feels. They'll always be a part of him, but he can more on with his life."

"How can you be so sure? What if he's always haunted by his past? What if he continues to wake up wishing that Daddy was right next to him keeping him safe even though he knows it's his Daddy that's the one hurting him?"

"Because you're not doing it alone anymore."

Nate placed a hand on Deeks shoulder offering him a comforting smile. It didn't take much for the detective to figure out that the doctor knew that they were no longer talking figuratively. His heart pounded in his chest as he made to pull away only to have the man shake his head.

"I'm not going to tell anyone, Deeks," Nate offered still smiling, "I couldn't even if I wanted to."

"You tricked me," Deeks accused angrily.

"Would you have opened up other wise? This was the first time you truly talked about it, wasn't it?"

"Everyone else made me feel like I was insane for feeling the way I did towards Daddy or they didn't believe me at all."

"You're not insane and I do believe you. Deeks, if you give me the chance I'll help you in anyway that I can."

"No medication?"

"Not unless you ask. And if it does come to that I promise I'll explain, in shocking detail, why it's happening. You'll be in control and we'll move together throughout this. Will you let me help you?"

Licking his lips blue eyes darted around the street they were walking on. He did believe that the older man would be able to help him. They had only had one conversation so far and he already felt better than he had before.

"It stays between us?" Deeks questioned softly.

"You have my word," Nate agreed instantly, "You'll let me help you than?"

"Yeah. I mean… Okay. You can try."


End file.
